Are You a Martyr? …
What is a martyr? By definition … … Seeking out suffering or persecution because it either feeds a psychological need or a desire to avoid responsibility … some call this Victim Complex
In all my years coaching I’ve faced challenging human conditions of all varieties. Confusion … depression … recklessness. All of them. Good people seeking a better path for themselves in life. Just like all of us. Trying to deal with all the stuff we face. In their case looking for reflection from a third party. In these cases? From me. Alex is a great guy. He came to me following “separation” from the organization he’d led, dedicated much of his life to. New leadership moved on as though he had never been there. Like a pebble tossed into a lake and watching the ripples disappear… “Those s—-ns of b—-ches!” A loss of any kind involves grieving … a death being the most pronounced. This wasn’t different from dying. Just not as intense.
This went on for months. Seventy to eighty percent of our biweekly sessions focused on “… those SOBs!” Alex was a victim of this circumstance. Alex was a martyr. This would grip him until he took responsibility for his feelings, the loss. In reality? He was expecting me as his coach to solve his problem, avoiding the need to solve them himself. I encounter martyrdom in different people in various forms all the time. Indeed the shackles of being victim to a wrong, or any hurtful situation is human. But in the final resolve very limiting. Not adult. More adolescent.
The primary emotion here? Anger. Others for sure. But anger and hurt are kissin’ cousins. Purge the anger so the hurt might subside. A hard thing to do. But necessary. Alex had to go to work. Through a series of meditations he released the anger lodged in his core. Accepted he could do nothing but move on (I call this “windshield vs rear view mirror” thought.) The more Alex took responsibility for his feelings? The more he focused on his next level of growth and change? … the happier he would be, the more adult he would become.
Martyrdom can be found in lesser things than what Alex faced. Alex had to deal with a major life event. But the loss of a friendship? A girl or boy friend? A nagging, problem unaddressed with a spouse or family member? Any challenge you avoid that holds you back. Constantly are victim to. So what unresolved issue in your life might you return to often … dwell on too frequently? Do you find yourself … Angry? Sad? Regretful? re something over which you have no control? If so, this circumstance will limit you. Dim happiness that would otherwise shine more brightly.
Like loosening a knot in a rope.When you stop being a martyr to negative feelings? See the difference it makes. Take it from me. One who knows.