A friend … a business partner … a family member. Your spouse maybe? Conflicts and differences between people are inevitable. They can build up, intensify if left unaddressed. Is there an effective way to deal with these nagging, many times hurtful circumstances? Let’s see.

I sat on a flight recently next to a young man named Matt. A conversation ensued. He had just won a golf tournament in NY. He was trying to qualify for the Korn Ferry Tour. A pro golf tour mostly for up and comers trying to qualify for the PGA Tour. He asked, “Are you retired?” “No,” I told him. “I do life coaching.” His eyes opened, “Really. Maybe you can help me with something.” He began explaining to me.

Evidently Matt’s father never wanted him to pursue golf as a profession. He would constantly ridicule his son’s passion for the game. “Don’t come to me when this doesn’t work out.” Dad was a very domineering guy. He never let up … had intimidated his son from his early age to today. Matt had wanted to confront him about how all this was affecting him. How damaging this was. But memories from prior years. His father’s hurtful comments? Just too hard to face … deal with.

Matt was petrified at the thought of facing his dad. So, l asked him why? “Sir, it is … well, confronting him almost feels like jumping over the Grand Canyon. As I I think about it, I break out in sweat. Actually shiver. It was then I said, “Matt, what if I told you confronting your dad was not like having to jump over the Grand Canyon; but more … like simply piecing a veil? What would you say then?”

He looked at me quizzically, “What do you mean?”

“ Well, your refusal to face your issues with your dad, are first driven by an acute almost unbearable fear. A fear of rejection or negative consequence. Built up, intensified over the years. Layered over by feelings left unaddressed. Your perception is not reality. Tell me. Can you think back, visualize a time when you and dad got along. Were just friends?” He thought for a few seconds. “When he coached me in Little League. Was very proud of me as I was a star short stop. He’d hug me after each game. Wow, that felt so good then.”

I replied, “Try visualizing that moment. The moment you felt his hug, his warm embrace. Imagine this is the father you have wanted to return all these years. Then do this. Go to him and say, ‘Dad, I need your permission to tell you something that is extremely sensitive. Something that has been on my mind for a long time. He will undoubtedly say, ‘Yes.’  … it’s then you suck it up and “pierce the veil.” Just tell him how you feel. Think of it like that eight footed you made today for a birdie to win the golf tournament.”

I continued … “Matt, I’ve worked with people like yourself for years who have faced similar problems. ‘Grand Canyon’ like conflicts they have had with another, driven by fear. Misconceptions. What have I discovered? Ninety percent of the time, both are surprised when ‘veil like’ thin differences between them soften. Eye contact missing for a long time follows. While the issues that got them here don’t dissolve. Magically disappear. As discussion ensues, both are amazed how minor, how strangely surface all this is.

Take the emotional risk. What is the worst thing that can happen? If your reaching out isn’t accepted? Dad rejects you reaching out? For the most part you are no worse off than you were before. This is worth a try.

“I’ll do it. Like the putt to win … some tension? Don’t know what the outcome will be. But I go ahead! This would feel like an eight-footer. Not a thirty-footer.”

“Good for you. Just one thing. Here are my contacts. Let me know how it goes.”

I haven’t heard from Matt. Don’t know if he went ahead with what he said he’d do. But who knows. But at least he has the image of the “veil” that he might call on to begin resolving this troubling relationship.