David and Mike had a toxic partnership. Mary and Jack’s marriage was on the rocks. Susan told Joanne she never wanted to see her again.

Much of my life has been spent helping others develop healthy, nourishing relationships. I’ve seen it all. Relationship issues like these and more. In businesses; within families; or simply between two people trying to relate to one other..

Common to them all is the expressed desire (most times urgent!) to move to the “next level.” Grow beyond a current circumstance. Resolve existing conflict. Relieve the pressure. People I work with must be truly motivated to grow. Or I cannot help them.

A question I’m often asked, “If we choose to work with you, how will we know we’re successfully moving to our “next level?” How will we measure progress?” Routinely, “growth” as we define it at the beginning of our engagement will be the barometer by which we’ll measure progress.

Here’s the rub. I tell my client or coachie, “We need to be mindful of one thing. There’s ‘growing’ and then there’s ‘swelling.’” People are usually puzzled by this. Some believe you can simply remix behaviors, interaction that’s currently going on. Recycle the issues needing attention to improve the quality of the relationship. This circular approach is called “swelling.” Deceiving yourself that you believe nothing needs to change. “We just have to get over it. Do what we’ve been doing. Just a little differently.” Nice try. No real change? No growth. Only “swelling.”

An example of “swelling.” I’ve dealt with a business once whose owners proudly proclaimed, “Our business is growing like a weed!” Ok, let’s take a look. What we uncovered was the business was living off existing relationships. Squeezing the life out of their current clientele for more and more revenue. Rather than create new clients, new markets that would generate new growth? The business continually reverted to a “groundhog day” like behavior. Over and over again. Only to end up “swelling” the business, not “growing” it.

Another example. I worked with an estranged couple for a year before they decided to divorce. Neither was willing to accept the fact that their marriage was doomed unless they implemented new methods of communicating with one another. Changed harmful behaviors. “No, we’ll be Ok. All we need to do is continue to do what we’re doing. Give it all a break, a rest.” They continued do the same things they were doing. Their marriage swelled, and swelled and eventually burst.

What I’ve learned through the experiences like those above and more. Leaders in a business, a family… or any personal relationship possess a key characteristic. They are always looking for ways to ploughing new furrows. Ways to create, add something new. Something fresh. New markets for a business. New behaviors for parents with their kids. New methods of communication in a marriage. How bout something adventurous. Something spontaneous. Without new ingredients, approaches in a challenging relationship? You can be sure there will always be a lot of swelling, but no real growth.

So, step back for a moment. As I’m doing so right now.

Are there things I can do to spice up, energize a personal relationship of mine? Maybe address differences I’ve been delaying dealing with? What might I let go of … so I can make room to add something that might spark new growth? Personal growth only takes place in relationship with another person. You cannot grow alone. Relationship development is a never ending process. To avoid “swelling?” Keep working on it.

Continued, healthy growth is the only option.