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God first made man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life. And man became a living soul. God then called the man Adam and later created Eve from Adam’s rib.
Thus is the story … Adam and Eve were inseparable. They shared a sacred bond. Such is the bond of marriage between a man and a woman. Before God’s eyes. Living lives together as one.
A critical part of my coaching is what I call … “Gate One.” An important discovery that wasn’t apparent to me early on. I’ll spend early sessions with a new coachie uncovering their issues, goals … where they would like my help. Invariably we’ll always turn to family matters. How’s it going with those closest to him or her. In particular … their spouse.
Why one’s spouse? The relationship between husband and wife is one of God’s sacraments. “Gate One” The beauty of married life is that joins two as they navigate life’s challenges. Whatever God sends their way. Get this partnership right first. Or my work with them will stall … be far less effective.
Take Bill. He was looking for something more in his life. Like feeling, believing he was doing his best. In business, his community. With his network of friends. He had the best attitude. His perspective was clear. So, what was holding him back? I probed a bit. Queried him, challenged him to get honest about why he “felt“ stuck.”
During one session … he suddenly hung his head and blurted out, “It’s Susan. It’s Susan. Until I get things right with her, all we do here will be for naught.” Indeed, Bill’s relationship with Susan was like a rope wound round him, keeping him from moving forward.
Surely, there were solutions “out there.” Self-help books. Tools that Bill and Susan could use to get “unstuck.” Bill lamented. Implored me to find the solution to his problem. Until we did? Bill was right. Little progress moving forward.
Time and time again I’ve heard, “She’s so controlling.” … “He’s crazy.” … “He just doesn’t know how to fulfill my needs.” … On and on … and on. We’d stop. I’d look him/her in the eye. “I’m no marriage counselor. But we need to go there. Your relationship with your spouse. If we don’t, I cannot help you.”
Most of the couples I’ve worked truly love one another. They’d just built layers of misunderstanding. Failed to confront normal differences that accumulate in any marriage over, months … years. All these little things create layers that block them from getting back to the original love and sacred bond they made when marrying. With courage, an emotional peeling away of those layers can take place. Like Adam and Eve … they need to honor the sacred union that brought them together … as one in the first place.
Restore the goodness of their relationship.
One revealing question I ask a couple at one point …
“When was the last time you can remember when you two were genuinely happy together? If you can recapture the feelings you shared then? We can use this spark to restart the ‘flame.’
Some were quick to respond. Italy! … that great weekend with the kids. Others searched their memories and came up empty? They were at a loss. Had much further to go to close the gaps that separated them than those who had fond, happy memories. Invariably, when a “happy” connection surfaced, we had something to focus on … work with. Otherwise, not.
What followed then was this …
“The differences you two have … has absolutely nothing to do with your partner. They have everything to do with YOU. You willingness to take responsibility for your part in creating the conflicts here? This will determine more than anything success or failure in resolving the problems.
In truth both husband and wife were martyrs. Victims of the others failings. Each had to acknowledge their own shortcomings and address them. Take personal responsibility. They couldn’t change one molecule in their spouse. They could change only themselves.
Sure. This was hard to grasp. “Open you?” This required a vulnerability that was the pathway to progress. The content of what lied ahead is too detailed to describe here. Working with both individually was the best method of dealing with the issues. Second Bringing them together for a joining of their discoveries … each about themselves. Apologies, tears … hugs surface. A refreshed, loving eye contact between them that had been missing. I watched the layers begin to peel away. This is never a “light switch.” More a “dimmer” switch that would require additional repair moving forward.
Never complete … this cracking of the hard shell that had existed in the relationship created space for new behaviors. A softness, more open exchange between them. Confidence. Even joy that a path to better things in their marriage was now more accessible.
We would find other things impeding growth along the way. But always so exhilarating to get through “Gate One.” Applause!
“We can do this!”
“Thanks coach! What’s next?”