I had a revealing session with a coachie the other day. He was telling me how conscious he was about “telling the truth” … always.

“Always?” I asked. “Yes” he replied … “always”

I challenged him. “What if you have an intense difference, a conflict with someone. Do you always tell him (or her) how you really feel about the problem … them personally?”

“Well no. That could be hurtful. Not do him or me any good at all.”

“So, you don’t tell the absolute truth every time, do you.”

There were two phrases that surfaced during our conversation. What I learned, helped me revisit my own concept of truth. Understanding that “Truth” is one of my immovable core values. Especially when faced with conflict.

The first phrase is …

“Learn to tell the truth as attractively as possible.”

This is more science than art. Specific tactics can work well here. Relationships are dyadic. One to one. Addressing conflicts with a group or even two at once? Confusing. Won’t work. Bound to fail.

Always kick it off a challenging conversation with this …

“We need to talk. Ok with you?” (asking permission always helpful)

True “truth telling” with another requires:

·      Self-control, emotional restraint.

·      Choosing the best, the right words to get your message across.

Tone … tone … tone will be far more important than the words themselves. A specific “energy” fuels, accompanies any verbal expression.

Negative “energy?”

·      Sharp disagreement? “I’m right, you’re wrong!” Look out … no space, no buffer, no room for compromise? … you’re screwed.

·      Anger? Maybe the most common, damaging emotion driving failed messaging to resolve conflict. Get mad? … You lose. Nice goin’

·      Don’t accuse finger pointing … searing eye contact? No. Have a nice day!

·      Listening only to the words in your head. No room to hear to consider others. Childish.

·      Facial Expression that beacons to your recipient that the fight is on? This ain’t gonna be good.

On the other hand, try positive “energy” …

·      Think, pause before you speak. “space before your notes.”

·      Sit down rather than stand. Puts you both on equal ground.

·      Breathe three breaths; relax your shoulders. Calms you

·      Rehearse what you will say. Test the words and tone in your voice. Use a mirror. If angry… blow it all out!

·      Time pick a good one, a quiet one best. No kidding.

·      Actions Once you have both purged your issues. Conclude with takeaways. Do some things to prevent a repeat.

Take responsibility for your role contributing to the differences between you. Not, “You do this!” … “You did this!” Rather use “I” vs “You.”

Ha! … Just such a wonderful lesson for ME here! I’ve probably messed up more occasions than most by NOT practicing what I preach!

But it’s actually … the second phrase that tells me more about truth …

“Duty calls us to get things done … but it’s love that allows us to get things done elegantly, beautifully.” 

I had to read this several times to fully absorb it. “Aren’t love and conflict opposites?”

Conflict “elegantly?” “All the negatives above? And love?” … didn’t get it.

Then I remembered I wrote this in an earlier post.

“If God is love. And God created us all. And God lives within all of us? Then there is something, however hard to detect to love in everyone we encounter. Regardless of the whatever circumstances we may face.” So find the goodness here. Regardless of how challenging it may be to do so.

 Learning to tell the truth as attractively as possible? Can be handled more tactically. Via the actions I cited. “ …

Getting things done beautifully? Much more difficult. Your true attitude of mind will be determinant of the outcome here.

You can apply all the techniques above to address negative “energy.”… and lose. Feigning concern will be detected by the other person. However much you try to fake it? Good luck.

Heartfelt belief of mine. This can be … must be resolved so you can move on? Making yourself vulnerable to make this work? Expands you … resulting in a true growth experience.

Go for it!