Have you ever watched someone who in the midst of a heated argument, maintains a firm, confident presence. Eyes focused. Few blinks. Who refuses to overreact …  contribute to the conflict underway?

Seemingly in control. Listening for sure. But measured.

Stoic.

Regardless of your politics, John Kennedy (above) was one who remained stoic amidst numerous crises during his presidency

Someone stoic can endure hardship and pain without showing their feelings or complaining. To be clear. This is not about dismissing one’s feelings. It’s about embracing them, being closely in touch with them.

Some of us are more expressive. More outwardly emotional. For those, restraining feelings may be more challenging. Some of us are more inward. Emotions are more internal. The “poker” face that goes with stoicism may be more natural, easier to display.

Whatever the emotional makeup, more stoic people stand out in a crowd. Quietly. Paradoxically, by assuming a lower profile … adding less energy to what’s happening at the time than others do.

Many leaders at their best can be stoic when reason and wisdom are essential..

I’ve worked with, been on sports teams with, played golf with some very cool people.
People who have won and lost. Celebrated victory and suffered defeat. All part of the deal. The best of these? The guys and gals who “hold their space.” Keep their poise regardless of the event or circumstance in front of them. Whatever the outcome. They remain … stoic.

I was a baseball pitcher for twenty years. I had great days. Bad days. One thing was imperative though when a baseball game turned bad. You had be steady. Be stoic. Show weakness, despair while being “rocked?” … hit hard? This only motivated the opposing team to pile on further. “You got me!” would be the unspoken message I’d be sending them.

Show, fear or pain? And your teammates would feel it too. Instead of “It’ll be Ok, guys. Next pitch.” They’d read in my eyes, “Uh oh. We’re in trouble.”

I’ve played the game of golf for over sixty years. Casual rounds, tournaments. Mental strength, control from a playing partner when he played poorly? … told me far more about him … than when he played well. It was his capacity to keep it together … remain stoic. Always offering calm in a storm. Most times better play followed. From us both. His calm demeanor invited better play. Encouraged me. Fear and anger would only have fueled more poor play. As I write this I’m remembering, admiring these “pros” who not surprisingly were also successful in their personal and business lives.

I built three businesses over twenty years with a major insurance company. In each case I was called to lead all three in the face of great challenges. One was a start up. The other two needed significant turn around. In all cases, I remember one key constant. Team members would look at me each day. Did they see confidence or fear. Panic or control. I had to remain stoic … regardless of the business challenge at hand.

Then there are our children, our grandchildren. As parents and grandparents we create an indelible imprint on them early in life. Our ability to manage our emotions. Especially when life’s inevitable challenges show up. How do we as parents and grandparents behave when times are tough. Are we calm, stoic? Firm as problems arise? Adult? Or do we lose our cool, show excessive worry, concern. You can bet as they grow, your kids will mimic you. Handle tough times remembering in the way you did. A wonderful trait to pass on to them. A great example for them to follow.

Lastly, I scanned my memory to surface all the great leaders, mentors I’ve been privileged to know. Was there one who displayed, exemplified the stoic behavior I’ve described above? Yes. I’ll not name him.

His allure over thirty years leading a very successful, high profile organization? His constancy. His attitude of mind. His emotional control. He had something special. People were noticeably attracted to him. The team of three hundred or so he led was vibrant, loyal. Motivated. The average tenure of the people there? Twenty plus years. When my friend died a few years ago, throngs of mourners attended his funeral. He was eulogized as a man guided, by his faith. The confidence he placed in others. His humility. His capacity to change. Handle crises. And … always remain stoic when times called on him to lead.

I’ll always remember a day of golf with him. As we drove our cart over the course, players from adjacent fairways would stop, jog over … just to shake his hand. He wasn’t a celebrity. He was just someone everyone knew. And if they didn’t know him? They so wanted to. He was a quiet man. An incredible example of what a calm values driven life can achieve.

Being stoic. Maybe the most subtle way to have the greatest impact … influence others.