It’s a month before my 75th birthday. A good friend of mine wanted to help me celebrate! While at lunch one day he asked me this.“You’ve coached literally hundreds of people over decades. Is there a common “thread” in each of them you can identify? A key to all your interactions with so many over so many years?” Wow! What a profound thought, question to ponder. I’d have to search my mind, my remembrances and see. Get back to him.

So, as is my custom. Early morning “quiet time.” Music as always in the background. Today Andrea Bocelli. People ask … “Why do you get up so early.” In reality “messages” wake me. A gesture I need to extend to another. My daily text with family. “Messages” Not about the tasks of the day. More about a few good things I might do today … have positive impact in some way, somehow on others.

What was the common “thread?” I started going through the rolls. Those I’d managed, lead or coached. The occasions I helped someone with a challenge, a confusion … all of their issues so varied. John, Susan, Steve? Successes, failures. Accomplishments? Personal goals and objectives? Behavior change? None of these were common to all. Nope. Couldn’t come up with the common “thread.” Then one morning while making coffee … suddenly, it came to me. Startled. Taken aback. Where did this “message” come from? That was it! This was the “thread.”

Out of the blue when I least expected it. A clear “message.” The Bible says, “Love thy neighbor as thy self.” How many Sunday’s have I said these words. Interestingly, practicing this begins not with “as thy neighbor” but rather with “as thy self.” Love thy neighbor. Sure. But if we are to do so, “as thy self” must come first. I was on to something. A couple sips of coffee. My favorite every morning chair. “Was this really it?” The “thread?” I went back to the rolls … one by one. Yes. This was it.

I have a lot of love for each of those I have had the honor to connect with. Formally through a coaching engagement or more simply during a chance conversation, interaction with another. I always say, “However difficult one may be to relate to, there is always something to focus on, something you can choose to love about them. Help them love themselves … just a little bit more. See themself “As thyself.”

Take Joe. Not his real name. A materially successful guy. On paper … he leads an enchanted life. When I began coaching Joe, we had trouble connecting. What he told me about himself seemed all so good. So well in place. Then why was he with me? If everything in life was so good? Why me? Why now? He hemmed and hawed when I questioned him. Surely a guy this accomplished couldn’t be this indecisive, I thought.

Then I asked him the question that revealed all. “Joe, do you love yourself.” He looked at me with searing eye contact. Without hesitation he replied emphatically, “No.”

Here was the “thread.” Joe needed to love himself. “As thyself” He had not. I repeated this silently to myself as I worked with Joe. If Love is the key to all. The freedom to choose love above all else. Love within us. You must embrace it. Joe certainly needed to. Today, he reflects on one thing as a barometer for his love of self. Buoyancy. “Am I feeling buoyant, Coach?” he always asks. On a scale of 1 to 10. How buoyant was Joe each time we met?
So finally … the “Thread” … Self love. Love of self. Ask this question first. “Do I love myself?” “As thyself” … before loving my neighbor. The reverse of what I repeated on Sunday. Some feel a little selfish when this question comes up. Is this self serving? Even a little arrogant to think about?

No. Love is the greatest gift of all. He lives within us all. You are a “thumbprint.” God created you in his image. There is only one you. There is no one else on earth … like you. You must love you, first … openly.

Self love. This was the common “thread” woven through all those relationships. Until you love you … loving your neighbor will fall short. Paradoxical? Yes. The “Thread” … Self love … In the face of what life sends your way? The greatest gift of all.

Reaching to love you … my mission with all I meet.