This is hard for me to write about. But as I’ve always known… writing is my therapy. My release. So here goes. There was an incident last night. One I’m very ashamed of. Not sure I’ll even post this on my blog. I’ll have to see how I feel once I’m done.

Over the years I’ve read a lot about the amygdala. The walnut shaped stem of the brain that releases a “fight or flight” response from our psyche. Emotions that can range from fear to anxiety. Even many times turn into rage. Controllable? Well, to a degree. But because the amygdala is triggered so instantly, controlling its path may not be an option. This was the case with me last evening. A sharp couple of words blurted out that set the tone for an early dinner. For four of us together who had to endure them.

I can recall other times when I’ve lost emotional control. If only momentarily. Like last night. Some pent up unresolved issues with Nancy; an exhausting two days and a few glasses of wine? The perfect “cocktail” for a blast of harmful, emotional attack. Bam! Startling, hurting both Nancy and our two friends of ours. This was despicable, unacceptable on my part. Shameful. I was awake all night filled with remorse. I’ve become more sensitive to occurrences like these. Learned lessons each time they happen.

This is in no way an attempt to cleanse my guilt or rationalize why I do this. But through my coaching I have learned how impactful early years, parental influence mold the nature, the makeup of one’s amygdala. The intensity of one’s “fight or flight” reaction to situations. I could write a book about my awareness of my own upbringing here. How challenges in my early life have impacted me. Affected my amygdala, my emotional intensity… at times my mental stability. Despite this awareness, I pulled the trigger.

But  as I’ve found myself susceptible to circumstances like this? I’ve also discovered there is a paradox here. As harmful as the emotional extremes created by the amygdala can be? The capacity to reach in deep and charge my emotional makeup has been a great plus at times too. Playing sports (especially football); focusing on a task or taking risks. Even releasing creativity. Like my writing. These have been times when emotional intensity has proven to be a productive plus.

Who knows how or why we each go through our own early life experiences. All I do know is that mine have become clearer to me as I age, learn and grow. Even though my occasional outbursts are rare? Each strangely, conversely seems to make me more sensitive to the feelings of others. Understand them better. Actually gives those I coach who are dealing with their own emotional issues, a sense of mutuality between them and me. Realization that we are working together arm and arm. You know, an “I’ve been there.” feeling.

There comes with this a sense of symmetry… a balancing back and forth of our life experiences. Both pluses and minuses. Usually ending in zero sum. Emotional intensity exists in this balance of plus and minus for sure. Despite my sadness about last night, I’ll eventually forgive myself for it. I also find a bit of solace knowing that there is a “yin and yang” quality, a symmetry in what I’ve described above.

I have some true apologizing to do. But I don’t want to ever be a martyr. Carry the burden of my mistakes with me. It’s about acceptance of responsibility followed by resolution. Moving ahead I’ll be conscious of channeling my emotions toward things more supportive, helpful. More fulfilling.