Relationships between people? Are primary of course. But between you and “service providers?” These are important too, aren’t they. You know. Your pharmacy. Your lawn care service. That restaurant you go to frequently. When good, these relationships can actually be soothing. Confidence building for sure. Even life changing. “Ahh … these guys are so good. They meet my every need? I’ll buy more. Never buying from anyone else.”

But as we know … as I’ve said previously. Not all relationships work, do they.

Case in point:

My recent “Iditarod” like trek through the wonderful maze known as, I’ll call it … “Amazing” Express. Thus my dodging the libel suit guaranteed to come my way after sending the following to them.

The occasion? Accepting the “once in a lifetime” offer to become an “Upper Elite Member” of the “Amazing” family.

It went something like this …

“Good Morning, Mr. Bwickwey. My name is Chinexwasony. Who am I speaking to, please?”(Bad start)

“This is Mr. Brickley, Chin.’ Can I call you Chin’” (No reply.)

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Blakwey. And how are you today.” (Uh, oh)

“Ok” … (I’m getting gas pains)

“Thank you for sharing, Mr. Brackway. How can I help you.”

Pause. You know … This call is going to be a mess. But let’s hang on and see how bad it can get …

I continued …

“You called me about a special promotion to join your “Elite” membership.”

“ I see. Can I have your full name, please? (He really asked me this)

“Bwickwey, Blakwey or Brackway … pick the one you like best.”

“I’m sorry?”

(The accent? I’m really not sure I understood anything Chin’ said. I’m just an amazing guesser.)

“You called me about your “Elite” membership.”

“I see.

“Was that the Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum ‘Elite Membership?’

“Ah, you called me. Don’t know.”

“I see. Could you please hold for a minute?”

“No I can’t.”

“Thank you for agreeing to hold. I’ll be right back.” (A mess. Told you)

Five agonizing minutes later …

“Mr. Mr. Blakwey. It appears you are a Delta Card member. Let me forward you to our Delta department.

(At this point, my phone is down. I’m making an omelette.)

Three minutes later.

“Hello, Mr. Blakwey. This is the Delta Dept. I’m sorry, but we have no record of an account under your name.”

(Here I go … )

“Ok … your name, please?”

“Lionel”

“Like the trains?”

“Yes”

“Well, Lionel. You’re so far off track, the terrain we’re on has rattled three of my teeth out.”

“I’m afraid your buddy, Chinexwasony, couldn’t hit the floor if he fell out of bed.”

“I just cut my ‘Amazing’ Express card in half.”

“But sir, we would like you to be an ‘Elite’ member.

“Well, Lionel. I’ve now been on the phone for 45 min. without an answer to my basic question. What does “Amazing” Express want from me to reach “Elite” status with you guys?”

“I’m so sorry, sir.”

“How can I help you?”

“MR. BLAKWEY to you.!!

“Oh, Mr. Brackway. I apologize for the inconvenience.”

“Lionel pardon the reference. But this Lionel train wreck is over. As Johnny Paycheck infamously sung years ago …

You can take your ‘Elite Status’ … and shove it!”

Bye bye … !!

I know your chuckling by now. Me? Those earlier gas pains have progressed. Gotta go …